I puked a lego.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
