All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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