Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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