Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
