eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
