happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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