If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
