So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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