i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i will never coherently bang her
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
