My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
