i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
