haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
