see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
