Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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