I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
