textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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