Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
