Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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