My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
