OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
