never play flip cup with pint glasses
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
well you can't waste a boner
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
