I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
