i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
