so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
sex in a hospital.. check
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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