I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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