Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
