well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
