I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
