I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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