Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
