is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
