so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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