He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
