Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
