Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize