I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
