what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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