you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
