oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
