oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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