i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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