Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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