Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
