Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
