dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
