it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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