life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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