I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
