I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
