Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize