something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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