I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
