No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
