You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
