I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
